For days now I had been contemplating how deep I should get with this piece. For days now I’ve written and re-written this piece in hopes that I could paint you the perfect picture. But I have come to realize that there is no right way to explain it, the same way that I am still unable to explain it to myself today. All I can tell you is that somewhere in the last year, Life decided to break me. And it broke me hard. It shattered me. He had stuck his hand deep inside within me and ripped my soul out of the body it belonged to. And when he was done, he decided to pick it back up off the floor and shred it into a few more pieces, only to smear it all over the road for others to drive over.
And I honestly couldn’t understand it, or make sense of any of it. I couldn’t understand how something that seemed so heavenly sent and beautiful, could be so wrong. I couldn’t understand how He could give me something, only to strip it out away from me before I could even finish getting off the high of it. But He did. And my lack of understanding of it, broke me.
Let’s take it back for a second…
One year ago, I sat down with myself and told myself that if I turned 30 and I was still single that I would pack my bags and leave what was so routine in order to pursue my dreams of living in the one city that I have always wanted to live in and chase my dream of being a writer. A writer in the big apple. And just as quickly as I had made myself that promise, like God sent, he arrived in my life…from the big apple.
I have always been a strong believer in love, but I had spent so much of my life being career driven that I forgot to love. But nevertheless, I still believed. I believed that we only truly love once, and only the lucky few have the honor of being touched by love, real love. All other experiences with love are just that: experiences. Experiences so that we can prepare ourselves for the real thing. Experiences so that when we finally find real love we are better able to understand it, to know it, to love it, to fight for it.
One year ago I made myself this promise and just as quickly as I had made myself that promise, like God sent, he arrived in my life, and he changed its rhythm it beat on.
They say our souls are created into two and at birth they are separated. They say that we are to spend the rest of our lives looking for our flame twin, and just like that I had found mine right out of thin air. From the second I laid my eyes on him, no, the second my heart felt his the whole entire universe knew that my heart, my soul had found its mate. I knew then and there that my soul would be complete, and I allowed myself to indulge in it truly believing with all my heart that this is it!
And just like that, my heart set off on this journey and as brilliantly beautiful as it was, it was also one of the most trying times of my life.
Because, well, what would my life be if there wasn’t a plot twist?
What I had spent my whole life believing was, was redefined in ways that even today as I write this, I still can’t make sense of it. It was although God had placed him in my path, allowed me to love him, only to torment me with it later. It was earth shattering.
I know I know, you’re all probably thinking relax, its just love, are you serious? Yeah, I’m serious! And yeah, I really was that broken. But this isn’t or wasn’t about love. It is and was about my faith, my values, and my beliefs being disputed. Questioned in such a way that despite all of the tyranny, I still couldn’t find or give them an answer…not even long after the storm had settled. And that’s what broke me.
I was broken because of the principal. I was broken because my philosophy on life had been rattled and jolted with lightening bolts. I couldn’t make sense of it. How could I? Our love was so pure, so real, and yet I was being forbidden from having it? It was as tragic as Romeo’s love for Juliet, and yet I don’t think Shakespeare himself could have written such an iambic pentameter.
I thought I was a good person. I thought I had done good in my life. I thought that if I committed myself to being a good human being, that I would be rewarded with greatness. But what I had thought and believed in for so long, no longer made any sense, what so ever. My core values about life, about faith, about being a good person, were shaken and questioned. I always believed, always believed that we trust ourselves in Him. I always believed our lives lie in His hands. So how could He be so destructive towards someone who truly believed in Him? What lesson was he trying to teach me, why was he hurting me, what did I do to deserve this? Why was I being tormented? Why did he show me the window, if he had already locked the door? I began to question every ill intention I ever had. I began to question any time in my own history that I could have unintentionally hurt someone. I began to truly believe that maybe I was a bad person, and that somewhere during my time of greatness I was actually in fact not.
And in my struggle of trying to make sense of things, I lost myself. It spiraled me into a great depression. I remember laying in bed, staring up into the night, just asking why? I remember praying really, really hard with every bit of my body. And yet every morning, I woke up being smacked back down. I don’t know how or when, but I lost myself and I lost my path. Work, school, life: It all became too hard. It was scary. It’s scary to feel scared every single day. It’s scary to not know where your path lied.
And so, months and months of walking alongside Misery & Self-Pity, I decided to venture on this quest.
But this quest is not about love. This quest will not be about that, or about the past or about the future; this quest is about the now. This quest is about reigniting my flame within. This quest is about committing myself to the present, to this moment, and learning how to recognize myself again in the mirror. This quest is about my commitment to myself.
I will commit to love. I will commit to happiness. I will commit myself to living. I will commit myself to finding my treasure, and when I have it I will commit even harder to holding onto it. I will commit to enlightenment and spiritual growth. I will commit to positivity, belief and faith. Oh, and hope, we cant forget about hope. We need hope in others and ourselves.
I commit myself in not giving up, to not submitting. I commit myself through Life’s trials and errors, that I will persevere and come out stronger and harder. With two fists up, fighting and believing. I commit myself to not giving up on my hopes and dreams, or on love. And although it is easier to give up on your beliefs and hopes, that I will find it within me each and every single day to not allow anything to steer me away from my beliefs. Because that’s the thing about Life. That’s the thing about having faith. You are meant to be shook to your core so that you can learn to never submit.
This isn’t about my love for him, or the lack in that of his.
I am lucky to have committed myself to one real treasure, and that is Him who, he himself has truly shown me through his love how much I can love. Through him and the last few months I’ve learned to know the worth of fighting for love. I have learned patience, and I’ve learned trust – even in the most trying of moments. And as terrified as I am, he has been my biggest support in my decision to go through this spiritual journey. He understands.
Today, today I start 365 days of my spiritual journey. Inspired by Eat, Pray, Love and The Alchemist, this is my story, my journey, my quest. The story of letting go of the stress, letting go of my fears. The story of believing everything maktoob and if you are a good person that the universe will see you to it, even when He shakes you. Believing that when you really want something the whole entire world will conspire together to bring it to you.
To fight for what you believe in.
To fight for love,
to fight for happiness.
And to live.
Live. Live. Live. Live. Live. Live. Live.
Live right now,
and to live passionately.
Today, if there was going to be one day that I was going to do it, it was going to be today. So today I quit my job. Today I decided I wanted to rediscover myself. Today I realized I no longer wanted to be ordinary, but extraordinary. Today I realized I am turning 30 and if there was ever a time it was going to be now – now at my quarter life crisis.
So here’s to the 365 days of living & loving myself…
…and the lessons I’ll learn along the way.